It's the 7th. I didn't even really realize what time of the year it was until someone said it outright. It's the 7th, which means that it's been exactly 4 years. But who's counting, right?

I don't know why I'm writing to you. I just kind of felt like I had to.

Do I feel sadness? Not really. Nostalgia? Sort of. Regret? Yeah. Yeah, maybe regret.

I regret that we let it get that bad. I regret allowing you to hurt me, and allowing myself to hurt you. I regret ever having been the source of your pain. I regret not having the courage to end it sooner.

I regret not trying, hard as I could, to remember how good it was when the going got tough. And I regret, most of all, not letting you go sooner after you finally got up the courage to leave. I missed so many things cos I was too busy crying in the parking lot of Ateneo or staring off into space in the caf. I regret letting my fear and insecurity and doubt get in the way of being myself around guys that I genuinely liked. I missed the big picture for so long because I was putting every single detail, every single moment, under a microscope. I regret allowing my bitterness to get a hold of me and define who I am, who I was, and who I wanted to be. I missed so many moments to feel truly infinite because I was too busy crying and whining about what I had lost.

Four years ago, I thought the world was coming to an end. But that's really how it's like when your first love ends, isn't it?

I hope you're really, really happy, cause I'm really, really happy. And I think we both deserve the happiness that we couldn't find in each other. Don't you agree?

I feel a little silly, really, writing like this as if it still meant anything at all. But it means something to me, you know? Just because I've moved on doesn't mean I want to pretend that it didn't happen.

For a long time, the thought of relationships and commitment gave me such heebie jeebies that I sent it out to the universe: I hate relationships! I'd rather be single forever than deal with drama ever again! But today, I actually feel like I'm ready. Not for the high school drama or the craziness that we had; I'm ready for the right kind of love, the right kind of passion, the right kind of crazy. I think I'm actually really to tell the universe that my heart has begun to beat again.

I hope you're having a good life. We both deserve it.

Sometime in the middle of 2009, I decided that I wanted to pursue becoming a photographer as a career. It was a big choice for me, seeing as I had been planning on becoming a lawyer since I was 12 or 13. Ever since then, everything that I've been doing, online and in real life, has been trying to get me to that place where I want to be. This, unfortunately, has greatly affected the way that I blog, which in this day and age has been greatly reduced thanks to micro-blogging and tumblogging, and all of that shiznit. But I digress. In my efforts at becoming better at showing meaning through my images, I have let my love of writing waste away into nothingness. Sure you may say it's just a blog, but to me it has been a large part of my growth as a person. Which is why I am posting this here, in LJ, where I discovered that I could actually spew out a few words here and there that could affect people in a good way.

Today I decided to start using that Mail application just so I could organize my life a little bit better. It, of course, started to import the 35,000++ email messages that I have accumulated on my gmail account in the past 7 years that I've been using it. This is how I stumbled upon my really old LJ entries all the way back to 2004. It's amazing, how different I sound, and it's almost saddening in a way. There was a tone of foolish optimism to the 16-year old me. Sure I would be emo here and there, but for the most part, I was actually a pretty level-headed teenager. It was a nice walk down memory lane. It made me realize that I used to love writing so much, and that I had actually built a family in LJ that I forgot about.

It's been a rough past couple of months, what with leaving my job and being unemployed, the feeling of being an actual bum (albeit it only last for a month or two) and how crummy it feels that I couldn't pay for my apartment. But then I was also able to experience how great it feels to be asked to take a job that you don't think you can do, but then being told by someone you love and respect that they have that much faith in you and your capabilities. Also, I've been sick for a month and have been too busy to go to the doctor, but I really need to get on with that because I've sick of having a cough and cold, and my hearing is getting impaired and it's actually starting to really scare me.

I've been at my new job for more than a month now, and it's surprised me how fast the time has gone by, and how much I know I can still do. I still have my goals, and one of them is to leave by 2012/2013. I'm gonna get there, and I need to remember that patience, something that has never been my virtue, is something that will get me there faster than I can imagine.

I only really post on LJ now when I feel like I need to let something out into the universe that I don't really want anyone in particular to read. I know this, and this is why I am here. I have an entire catastrophe of emotions that I need to sort out and they're all in relation to people in particular that I only really wish knew how I feel. But I know that I will never have the conviction or the nerve to put into actual words to tell them these things that I am feeling.



I know that it did not, and does not, mean anything, but I need a little reminding every now and then. And I wish you'd make it easier to remember.



I know what you're thinking more than you think I do, and I know you more than you realize, and you know how? Because you're just like me.



This was ours. You could have at least made the effort to be a little bit imaginative with your moving on.



I know you don't want me to leave, and I know that you just want me to be happy. But the day that you told me to get real and start aiming for something lower than my dreams was the day that I realized that I was in this on my own. And that you're going to be one of those people that will get left behind.



It was so close to devastation, and it was so close to eating me up. But after you left for the second time, I realized that I had already left you in the past, where you belong.



And to you. You should have known better, hun.

I was going to post something about being lost and being tired and afraid and always being my biggest critic. But tonight I was talking to my sister about it and she listened, and understood, and told me that she was proud of me. Turns out you just really need to hear that every now and then so that you can remember that no matter how much you think you've wasted the last year of your life, there are lives that you have touched and good things that you have put into motion. Now my only wish is that anyone who has ever felt as lost as I have for the past few months can remember that all good things come to those who are patient, courageous beyond their fears, and willing to accept that some things are beyond their control.

 I haven’t posted anything for a while now, mainly because things got kind of crazy. Which, coincidentally, completely supports the main reason that I’m writing today – the last day of 2010.

When it comes to major events, there is nothing that is more addled with both beauty and irritating cliches than the Internet. Or more specifically, social networking sites. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and what have you will be/are already filled with much overused phrases about the ending year. “This year was awesome.” “This year was shit.” “F*** you, 2010″ and all that. But of course we, as massive supporters of this ridiculously inane act of trying to sum up 365 days in less than 20 words, can’t help but join in. And as I looked back and tried to come up with my very own cliched hate/love statement about the ending of the year, I found myself at a loss for words. And honey, I am never at a loss for words.

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I've been having a weird past couple of weeks and it has to do with the fact that I've finally moved out of my house and am now living on my own, as well as how my dreams have become quite vivid. As opposed to my usually blacked out dreams that are forgotten as soon as I wake up. I know "everyone dreams," but I never really remember mine so for me I don't dream. But lately I've been dreaming really vivid scenarios about certain guys from my past that I simply cannot understand.

I mean, dreaming about your ex is normal, right? What about that gorgeous Greek boy you met while walking around aimlessly in your last day in Singapore? My mind's trying to tell me something and I don't quite understand what it is. I mean, dreaming about your ex is more normal than the other dream, seeing as there are far more factors that affect your subconscious when it comes to someone whom you've shared your life with. The dream that really bothered me was the one about the Greek boy. I swear I woke up in love with him or something, and walked around all day missing him. HAHAHA. Can you believe that? How fickle the heart can be sometimes. I was walking around feeling melancholy and aching to see a boy I had had one conversation with many months ago.

Of course the next day the feelings were gone and I was glad to be back to my normal, single self. But it freaked me out is all, walking around for a day completely in love. To a stranger no less. Wth my brain is trying to tell me has definitely been lost in translation, cos now I'm just starting to worry that I'm going crazy.

Or we could go the obvious route and say that it means that I've been single for far too long, but I'd like to think my subconscious is more creative and original than that.

In other news, yes I've moved out and yes I'm living alone (for now) and yes I'm pretty freaked because money is now an issue that concerns me and only me. I'm not very financially savvy, you see, and I'd always hoped to just marry rich and let my husband worry about my trail of receipts (kidding) (well, kind of) but I did always say that I want to be independent and unfortunately independence includes paying for all your own crap. I'm just hoping that after all of the dust has settled and I actually get to buy some real furniture for my apartment, I come out stronger and better and whatever else the rest of the lyrics for that Destiny's Child song has.

I would talk about the crazy day I had, trying to move in, running around Ortigas with Jan Parma and trying to push my dead car around so we could jump start it. But I get so tired just even thinking of it, so maybe next time.

I've never really been comfortable about making this LJ too public, so I've been doing my "real blogging" over at Wordpress. But I'm still here, LJ! I'm still alive!



Went to CDO a couple of weeks back for my cousin's wedding. This photo was taken somewhere over Metro Manila on the way home. The clouds were so freakin' pretty that day so I, of course, took way too many photos of them in the span of the one hour plane ride back to Manila.




It was a beautiful wedding, and I only teared up a bit. 'twas my second time to be a bridesmaid but my first time to march down the aisle cos I was late for the other one I was a part of before because of PAL. Long story. But anyway, it was a lovely ceremony and the reception was so much fun. There were like 15 bottles of Vodka, and there were about 4 dance instructors hired especially to teach us left footed ladies how to dance the samba properly. I swear, I can dance those dances just as long as I had enough time to learn it. And when I haven't had anything to drink.

I've been shooting a lot this month, and I've also been trying to go out more. I think the only way I can survive having a desk job is if I don't forget that I have other things in my life, things I love.


Pao Racho, Kuwago

I'm so excited for Christmas! I already have Christmas movies, songs, and even a few ideas here and there for what gifts I can give a few special people. I really love Christmas. Almost more than my birthday!

Hello, LJ. I have not forgotten you. nine-or-so years is just too long a time for you to ever be out of my life. I may have other endeavors now but you are still the one who holds all the things that are nearest and dearest to my heart.

I have a compilation of the things I want to see and the places I want to go to in my life. I do believe that I'm not destined to just sit at a desk for the rest of my life. That may be fine for some. But as for me, oh wow for me, the entire world is just one big adventure waiting for be pursued.





The northern lights, Venice, Santorini... it's all going to happen, I know it. This means more to me than anyone can ever understand. And I think that's mainly because even I don't understand why this is so important to me. At least not fully. All I know is that it's all going to start right where I've always wanted it to start from.


See you next year, New York.